I am a strong believer that the power of the internet is best leveraged when it is used for funny memes, pictures of cats, and that really amazing video about Tom Brady’s balls. However, I feel that I need to break from my strong belief about the internet for a moment and instead bend it to my will and rant.
Recently while chatting with a friend I regurgitated a sentiment from a tweet I saw, or maybe it was on a blog I read or quite possibly a Podcast I heard. Honestly the source doesn’t matter, this is the internet and attribution died along with academic citations. Long live Wikipedia! I digress. So this sentiment was mine, despite having found it elsewhere. What was this profound sentiment you ask? Simply that while we have all this awesome technology that resembles the Science Fiction of my youth, I do not recall there ever being so many cords… Did you ever see someone charge Data? Or plug a tricorder into the wall? Where was Luke’s light saber docking station? At the time I was reflecting I considered this as a weakness of the evolution of technology. I believed that we had not yet achieved that synergistic point where real life and Science Fiction merged in an amazingly beautiful union where neither was distinguishable from one another.
Then I was driving today and I realized that if the evolution of humanity is determined by the survival of the fittest it’s actually those still yielding cords in their vehicles that will survive. It will be the heavily corded souls ruling the road that will define future generations. Which means Science Fiction is all a lie.
Bear with me while I explain. We are all worried about teen drivers (and some half brained adults like myself) texting while on the road with their mobile devices. This fear does not seem misplaced, especially when people are carrying devices so large that they must use two hands with them. Many states have even gone so far as to pass laws prohibiting using your mobile devices while in moving vehicles. As I’m sure you know, these laws are religiously followed and obeyed by all of man kind - at least any God-fearing Patriot. I postulate that texting while driving is hardly the thing we should fear most about today’s roads. It’s actually bluetooth!!! Years from now we will look back and realize that the rollout of bluetooth was actually a genocide stunting the growth of the population! There is nothing more perilous than to be in a moving vehicle whimsically believing in the dream that your car and some other device will communicate in perfect harmony. When this fails, and it always does, you find yourself speeding down a highway (or as in my case a far too narrow country road with steep ditches on either side) trying to reconcile why two devices which say they can talk to each other simply will not work! The rage builds up inside, you dismiss the heavily federally regulated dialog that says only passengers should pair devices in moving vehicles, and you fight the never-ending battle of bluetooth hell that rages all about the vehicle you reside in. And may God have mercy on your soul if there are more than one device involved in this awful union of technology.
Bluetooth will kill us. One by one we will succumb to stupidity on the road. Only the cord bearers will survive this awful twist of human evolution. Science fiction was all a lie. Wireless and charger-less devices have no basis in our technological future. They are simply a figment of a wonderful play of fantasy that is less likely to be realized than an ice queen who sings on mountain tops. Give up, just plug your damn device in.
Congratulations if you’ve made it this far. You are part of the few, the proud, those that can read more than 140 characters on the internet. Go buy yourself a beer!